The Wait
by angst no miko
Summary: Completed! Hanaru pairing!!!! Read and find out.ü, reviews please!
1. Prologue

The Wait  
  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Prologue  
  
England, 2002  
  
I gaze around the cafe window and admired the snow flakes that gently fell. How cold is winter especially when you are alone, how lonely. Everything is white and... everything in me is empty. A single tear slowly rolled down my cheek.  
  
"Not again, I should never become a sensitive fool anymore..." I said while wiping the tear.  
  
I sipped my coffee and gulped the scalding liquid to fill my numbed senses. As I felt my lips and tongue protest in drinking it again and again, I smiled as I remembered a promise I made to a man several years before he left me feeling alone once again. Alone in this pathetic world.  
  
*flashback*  
  
"What is that?" he asked pointing at my wrist.  
  
"Nothing" I said hiding the wound behind my back.  
  
"Don't tell me you did it again, what is your reason now? Do you know that self-mutilation is a psychological disorder?"  
  
I didn't react to that, I just bowed my head sighed.  
  
"Don't do it again" he whispered.  
  
I nodded and he smiled for me once again.  
  
"And stop punching walls as well..." he said as he walked away from me.  
  
"Kitsune! Matte yo!" I screamed after him.  
  
"Hayaku do'aho, we're going to be late for practice!"  
  
*end of flashback*  
  
That was when I promised to myself that I will never hurt myself anymore. Even if my depression is slowly clawing inside me, even if my feelings are going numbed with all the grief that I keep inside my heart.  
  
I guess I still hold on to that promise. A promise that my heart and soul would keep until I die. But once in a while, I slip. Hey, I'm only human, aren't I? Why can't you leave me alone with my musings?  
  
At least I have my own memories with you to keep me going... 


	2. Chapter 1: Everyone Needs Someone

The Wait  
  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 1: Everyone Needs Someone  
  
Japan, 1999  
  
So this is Shohoku... I said to myself as I walked through the gates of my new school. Everything is well and nice. I smiled at the thought and walked towards my new classroom.  
  
"Ohayo.." a voice said.  
  
I looked at the source of the voice and smiled at her. She looks cute... Maybe I should add her to my list..  
  
"I'm Akagi Haruko. Would you like to join in the basketball club? I think you're tall enough, and you can be like Rukawa Kaede!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Rukawa Kaede."  
  
Who the hell is this Rukawa anyway? I don't have time for this nonsense..  
  
"No thanks, I'm not in to clubs..." I said and walked inside my classroom.  
  
I turned around and saw her face. She looked at me with pleading eyes that could make a normal man cringe with guilt but, I'm not a normal man.  
  
"Hey, Hanamichi!"  
  
I looked an saw my best friend reserved me a seat beside the window. I should thank him once for doing this to me everyday... I smiled and waved back. I sat beside him as always, always since our elementary years.  
  
*flashback*  
  
"Ne, Hanimichi, you can sit beside me!" little Yohei said.  
  
"Hai, arigato Yohei!!!!" I said and smiled.  
  
*End of Flashback*  
  
Ever since that day, we've become best of friends and stuck around with each other through thick and thin, mostly thin though. But even he, my best friend doesn't know why I liked the window seat, my whole being, my loneliness that drives me to punch the walls when I'm alone in my room or slash my wrist in frustration. He doesn't even know that real Hanamichi Sakuragi.  
  
I gazed outside the window and didn't paid any attention to the teacher that was lecturing. My mind is full of thoughts that would surprise even my friends that thought that knew me. They don't know me, I concluded it to myself.  
  
"Hanamichi... Hanamichi..."  
  
I looked at Yohei and grinned and whispered my apologies for not answering him.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"It's lunch time already, where do you want to eat?"  
  
I shrugged as I walked out from the classroom and bumped to a muscular guy that seems to be the leader of the gang that was behind him. His eyes were on fire.  
  
I side stepped and walked away. He apparently didn't take my walk away reaction very lightly. He grabbed my collar and looked me.  
  
"You ungrateful bastard! Your mother didn't taught you how to say your apologies?" he shouted at my face. If I wasn't really bored, I would have laughed at the situation I was put in.  
  
"Actually, she taught it to me..." I began.  
  
He smiled. The bastard actually smiled. Maybe he thought that I would say sorry for what I did. For God's sakes! It was only a bump, nothing serious. This is only a bully that needed a lesson from our gang.  
  
"..but she also taught me who should I say my apologies to. You're not included in that list." I smirked.  
  
His shocked face was the nicest thing I saw all morning.  
  
"YOU!!! ROOFTOP NOW!!!!"  
  
He let go of my collar. He motioned his gang to follow me. Ch! They are just followers!  
  
"Hanamichi.."  
  
"Don't worry Yohei, I'll handle this." I said smiling.  
  
I ate first before fighting, of course. I'm not that stupid to fight and not think about my health.  
  
I climbed the stairs that lead to the rooftop. I opened the door and saw all the knocked out bodies of the gang that I was supposed to fight. And in the middle is a raven haired boy with icy blue eyes, like a fox that would easily outwit a hunting dog beacuse of its stupidity.  
  
I wonder if it would burn like a liquid fire if given enough passion to sustain it. I thought. Woah! Why did this stupid, fox-eyed boy affecting me like this? I took a step forward to look more closely.  
  
What the...?  
  
He glared at me. He actually glared at me! I'm going to teach him a lesson that he would never forget!  
  
I suddenly grabbed his colar and punched him and use my famous head butt to silence him. But apparently he didn't fall but stood there, just stood there as if nothing happened. Yeah, sure, there was blood dripping from his head, but he just stood there!  
  
I head butted him a few more times, but it seems that he is resistant to everything I do. Chikuso!  
  
"Rukawa-kun!"  
  
I looked behind me and saw Haruko, tears streaking her face. Behind her was Yohei and the other ready to fight. She grabbed her handkerchief and ran to the man named Rukawa. She tried to wipe away the blood but the other man simply walked away, not noticing her.  
  
I gazed at him until the other walked away, leaving me with a angry girl.  
  
"Why? Why did you hurt him like that?" she asked.  
  
I was dumbfounded by her question. Who was she to question me? She don't know anything to cry like that!  
  
"Haruko-san.." I started but clearly, she didn't hear me. She ran towards the door.  
  
"Basketball.." I whispered.  
  
"What was that Hanamichi?"  
  
"Basketball Club, maybe I should join."  
  
"I thought you're not in to clubs?" Yohei smiled and I smiled as well.  
  
"Well, maybe I can do something for a change..."  
  
"I bet you 1000 yen Nooma that Skuragi would not be admitted!"  
  
"Nani????" I started and went after the others for betting against me. They should not take me lightly! I'll show them! I'll kill them!!! I've settled for a head butt instead and it worked out just as fine...  
  
And I'll see that blue-eyed kitsune again... 


	3. Chapter 2: It's Over

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 2: It's Over  
  
Watashi wa Tensai! Watashi wa Tensai! I can't believe it, I got in!!! And that kitsune is there as well, good. I can't still believe that Haruko and Gori are siblings! Who would have thought that that two were related to each other?  
  
And Haruko apologized because of the way she acted.  
  
*flashback*  
  
"Gomen nasai, Sakuragi-kun, I didn't mean to talk to you like that. I.." she blushed furiously because of the embarassment she felt. She bowed her head and I stared at her.  
  
"It's alright Haruko-chan, you're forgiven, I understand you" I said, earning a smile from her. She's cute when she smiles as well, hmm...  
  
*end of flahback*  
  
The training was tough but I got the hang of it. I'm not going to be defeated by a blue-eyed kitsune even if this was his sport! At least there is one person that doesn't seem to have any doubt of my performance. She cheered me on and on, never got tired of constantly cheering for the team and for me. But I know she only wants Rukawa. Her eyes would appear glazed and tiny hearts seem to appear right where her eyes should have been.  
  
But no matter, at least I can give everything. I can have a purpose in life once again. My hope is slowly dying like a fire that slowly burns itself out.  
  
"Sakuragi-kun, ganbatte!!!" she shouted and I hear her.  
  
I performed a slam dunk and everyone cheered, but not the blue eyes kitsune. His eyes were still cold like ice and doesn't know how to cooperate with the others.  
  
"Of course Haruko-chan!!! Nyahahahaha. Don't mistake the power of the tensai!!!" I shouted, letting my ego take all the fame and glory.  
  
"Do'aho"  
  
"Nani? Baka Kitsune!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shouted and stalked towards him..  
  
*Slap*  
  
"Sakuragi, stop your childish acts!" Ayako, the team manageress said. I rubbed my sore head and felt a bump that is starting to rise.  
  
"Itai.." I whispered to myself as I felt the bump again.  
  
I played for the team and I played my best everytime. They didn't understand that. Nobody does. They didn't know the real me. They didn't know who I am inside my egoistic and childish behaviour.  
  
The training was goo and everyone did fine and as usual, the kitsune glared at me and I glared back.  
  
"Sakuragi! You're in charge of cleaning the gym!" Gori said.  
  
"Nani, Gori? Why would the Tensai be the one to clean the gym?"  
  
That earned me another bump on my head. I cried out in silence as to not let my ego down. I grabbed the nearest mop and walked towards the gym. Everything was quiet and I can feel the tranquility in the place.  
  
After hours of cleaning the gym up, I walked towards the locker room to change my clothes. God, I feel like I cleaned the whole world! body is killing me!  
  
I undressed and take a long shower to ease my aching bones. It didn't help though. The quietness of the place seemed to echo the voices of the persons who didn't want me here. Who didn't want me to be alive.  
  
[You cannot do it Hanamichi, you're nothing!]  
  
"No.. it's not true.."  
  
[You're nothing!!!]  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
[Do'aho]  
  
I saw icy blue eyes in front of me. He smirks at me as he walked away. I feel tears begin flow from my face. I curled up to the corner of the shower stall I was in.  
  
""Do'aho.."  
  
A simple word send shivers to my spine. I refused to open my eyes. I'm afraid to see him looking me with those cold eyes of his. I still in that position when I felt something hold my arm. I tried to dislodge it.  
  
"Sakuragi.." he whispered. I opened my eyes to look at him, really looked at him as if it was the first time.  
  
His eyes were not as icy anymore. There was a emotion in his eyes. The kitsune actually has feelings!!! What a realization!  
  
"Sakuragi, what's wrong?" he asked. His whole body is soaked with water. The shower is still open and he didn't turned it off. I looked into his eyes again and identified what the feeling is: PITY  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!" I shouted.  
  
I pushed him with all my might and scrambled away from the place. I grabbed my things and ran as fast as I can. Tears stained my cheeks as the cold wind blow the coldness I felt ever since I was a kid.  
  
You'll see, all of you, you will see! I thought while running. I heard his screams as he called my name but I didn't listen. I don't want to listen, not anymore. 


	4. Chapter 3: Behind the Smiles

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 3: Between the Smiles  
  
I will never forget the day I saw the kitsune showed emotions. Imagine, a walking block of ice has emotion after all, you just need to push him. Push him to the limit.  
  
I cried that night until my tears dried out. I cried myself to sleep and dreamt the past. The past where everyone hates me, where everyone doesn't want me. My depression is slowly eating my soul slowly, as if punishing me. I woke up with the dreams still buzzing through my mind.   
  
I can't take it anymore!!!  
  
I tossed the bedsheets aside and went to the bathroom, grabbed the razor in the medicine cabinet. The razor that can drive away the feeling of numbness in myself as my depression slowly turns to hatred. I sliced and sliced until the pain seeped through me like fire and keeping my depression at bay.  
  
I still went to school the next day and ignored everything that happened last night. I figured that if I were to remain as my natural self, nothing would matter but I was wrong as always. Yohei was the first to ask of my condition.  
  
*flashback*  
  
"Hanamichi, didn't you sleep last night? Your eyes are sore.."  
  
"Nyahahahaha, nothing's wrong with the tensai!!!! Nyahahaha..." I laughed as hard as I coulod to convince him that everything was alright.  
  
He looked at me and smiled. I guess the tensai is a great liar. His eyes saw the bandage on my wrist and gasped.  
  
"Hanamichi, what happened!" he said, craddling the wrist with his hands. I easily snatched it away and smiled.  
  
"It's nothing, uhmmm...., a cat, yes a cat scratched me yesterday when I helped it. It's not that serious, don't worry.."  
  
I seemed to convince him as he shrugged and smiled again.  
  
*end flashback*  
  
Tensai huh? I'm the self-proclaimed tensai with a mask that reflects my ego. Always laughing, always smiling like I can never smile no more. Yes, the self-proclaimed tensai is just the little kid that needs no one and doesn't trust anyone, even his friends.  
  
The basketball practice came on as usual but I winced as the ball accidentally brushed the newly opened wound on my wrist. The bandage is showing signs of blood seeping through and I have to change it quickly or the others will notice. I made an excuse to go to the bathroom. I grabbed my extra bandages and ran towards the men's room to change it.  
  
As I walked out of the bathroom, I felt I was being watched. I looked around and saw the icy gleem of blue eyes that haunts my dreams as well. He narrowed his eyes then continued dribbling the ball to execute a perfect lay-up, as usual. I shrugged and grabbed another ball and practiced by myself.  
  
I was my usual self that day. I laughed and proclaimed myself as the tensai. Slapped by Ayako's fan many times and called Rukawa as kitsune as always and received Gori's punches as well making sure that everyone thought that I was alright and everything is fine and dandy.  
  
But I felt those icy cold eyes keeps staring at me with intensity that gave me goosebumps. His famous statement do'aho is still there but it meant something more that plain words. I shook my head to clear it and started to practice again. I didn't pay anymore attention to the kitsune.   
  
The practice ended smoothly. Nobody asked what was wrong.  
  
"Hey, Sakuragi, want to join the rest of us? We're going to Danny's to eat."  
  
I looked and grinned. "No thanks, I don't have any money with me, gomen.." I bowed my head and walked away. I wanted to join them but I don't want to burden them tonight. Not when my tears are threatening to escape and my mask would shatter in fron of them. I don't want anymore pity.  
  
I walked and walked until I reached my humble abode. The icy wind reminded me of the icyness of Rukawa's glare whenever I looked at him with as much intensity. What is it with that guy? Why am thinking of him like this. He only sees me as a fellow basketball player, just a pawn towards winning his goals. only a selfish bastart with insensitve heart. And he looked at me with pity, WITH PITY!  
  
I shuffled through my bag to find my keys when a shadow moved from the dark. Then all of a sudden, I was staring to the icy blue eyes of Rukawa Kaede. He stalked towards me like a hunter hunting for his prey.  
  
"What do you want Kitsune?!"  
  
"Answers" that was his response. A simple request that I cannot acknowledge. He wanted answers, nothing more, nothing less.  
  
"Why should I give it to you?" I said, walking pass him. I quickly opened the door and went in.  
  
I know he was still there waiting for me to go out, but I don't want to give him what he needed. I don't need him to comfort me. I need nobody!  
  
Some things are meant to be kept rather than shown... 


	5. Chapter 4: Numbness Within an Aching Hea...

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 4: Numbness Within an Aching Heart  
  
The weekend was more of a fight within myself rather than rest. I thought my depression was to leave me for a few moments but I guess I was wrong. The slash on my wrist that I myself created is still sore but I cannot feel the pain anymore. I need pain to cure me. Yes, pain...  
  
It's a good thing that me and the Sakuragi Gundan decided to go out that night to celebrate. I don't know why they are celebrating but just joined in. They are my friends anyway.  
  
I slipped on my mask before I got out. I need to fool them again that everything is alright. I don't want to worry them. Maybe one day, I would tell them, maybe, I thought.  
  
The night was full of lovers. I secretly wished that another gang would show up. what a pathetic excuse to have a fight and feel the punches on my face. The pain would silently curse my depression.  
  
My luck was on my side that night. Another gang was there ready to attack. I fought all my might. The pain of the punches and the kicks helped a lot, and I silently thanked the other gang. They relieved my depression and set it aside for a while.  
  
Back to school. Back to world of the living. My so-called life. And I would see Rukawa again. The blue eyed devil that haunts my thoughts every night when I sleep.  
  
The injuries I received from the previous night told everyone what happened to our gang. The whole team was shocked, even the ice king, that I appeared like that, as if nothing happened.  
  
"Sakuragi, what happened?" Haruko asked, worry is printed on her face. She reminded me of my mother. I just shook my head and grinned.  
  
"The tensai and the Gundan had a fight last night that's all. There's nothing serious in my condition..." I said and laughed. As I expected, they all groaned and smiled.  
  
As usual, the mask I was wearing was perfect. Nobody could see my desperation. I'm the loud tensai that everyone knows. I laughed out loud, insulted everyone, received the "Gori Punch" and the fan slapping of Ayako, and I drooled over Haruko for cheering me up.  
  
The team knows nothing that's why they do that to me. I would have laughed if they known what my situation was. In the brink of commiting suicide. Sakuragi Hanamichi is very unstable to be treated the same, they would say that.  
  
The whistle is sounded for ending the game and snapped me out of my musings. I grinned and sang the tensai song once again. I see my other teammates cringe just listening to my off key tune.  
  
"Hanamichi!!! Will you stop singing that infernal tune?" Ryota said while pluggging his ears with his fingers in an effort to quiet his surroundings. I obliged of course and went to the locker room to shower and change.  
  
I let everyone leave before I got out of the shower stall and slowly dressed myself. I winced at the pain I received when my shirt brushes over my injuries, but it was all worth it. My depression didn't come back after that. It stayed away for a while while my mind is busy processing the pain I received from the fight.  
  
"Do'aho"  
  
I looked behind me and I stared to the blue-eyes of the kitsune. Those blue orbs shone and reflected anger.  
  
"Teme kitsune!!!!" I shouted as if in anger.  
  
He didn't budge, he only glared at me. He took a step closer to me and I instinctly moved back.  
  
"Do'aho, who did this to you?"  
  
I was shocked. The kitsune is capable of talking and I detected a hint of conern. He moved closer still. I wanted to move away but my body is not responding.  
  
"Do'aho, answer me.." he asked again.  
  
"I already told you and the others that we had a fight last night.."  
  
"Sakuragi, what are you hiding?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" I asked.  
  
He raised an eyebrow in response and step closer. I was frozen in my place unable to move. I can smell his scent.  
  
"I know that you hid behind your mask Sakuragi..."  
  
"How..."  
  
Too late, I've said the word, he heard it and smirked. He knows, he will know...  
  
"I can help you... let me help you..." he said. His eyes were the shade of the midnight. His icy blues disappered and replaced by the warm ones I'm seeing.  
  
"Let me help you..."  
  
I shut my eyes. I can't look at him anymore. His eyes are drowning pools that will suck me to the oblivion. I suddenly felt his touch, his embrace. That's when I lost it. I cried in front of him. The tensai cried in front of th kitsune, but I didn't care anymore.  
  
I told him everything. My suicidal tendencies, my pein, my desperation for hope and inner desires. Everything. I was stripped of all my secrets. I cried and cried. He only embraced me and consoled me. He didn't do anything to offend me.  
  
"Let it go Sakuragi, let it go..." he whispered in my ear.  
  
That wasthe first time I trusted someone with my secrets and become my true friend. Someone to share with. I'm not alone anymore.  
  
Not alone... 


	6. Chapter 5: Desiring Another

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 5: Desiring Another  
  
After that faithful day, when I confessed to Kitsune everything, I felt like a big burden have been lifted off. It really helped like the kitsune said it would. We still fight with each other but we treat it as a joke between the two of us. We worked together on court and entered the IH together.  
  
We usually hang out together. Everybody seemed to notice but I didn't care. I was glad that someone can understand me and look behind the egoistic and childish behaviour I was showing to everyone else, even if it was the kitsune. The mask I usually put up in front of other people easily cracks when I'm in front of him.  
  
"Sakuragi, pass the ball!!!" Ayako shouted. I continue to dribble and smiled at him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the kitsune positioning himself towards me. I automatically passed it to him and peformed a perfect three pointer. All of our team members had their mouth agape when I saw them.  
  
"Nice pass.." Rukawa whispered to me.  
  
"Uhm...A..arigatou..." I stammered, my cheeks growing warmer. Why am I like this when he praises me, I mussed. There's something going on here. Before I could ponder on what was happenning to me, someone placed a hand on my shoulder. looked and saw Mitsui smiling at me.  
  
"Good job Sakuragi..."  
  
"Of course Michy!!!!! The tensai is always right in making in decisions... NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA........!!!!!"  
  
"Don't call me Michy!"  
  
"NYAHAHAHAHAHA........."  
  
*POW*  
  
"Nani Gori?!" I shouted while rubbing the growing lump on my head.  
  
"Back to the game!"  
  
"Do'aho"  
  
"Teme kitsune!!!"  
  
I quickly ran towards the other players, redied myself for the attack. I concentrated on the game. My other thoughts can be assessed later on. The play ended up with us winning against the seniors.  
  
"Gori, how was that? The tensai beat you!!! Nyahahahaha........!!!!!"  
  
*POW*  
  
"Itai!!!!"  
  
I walked towards the locker while I'm nursing my newly acquired lump. I entered the noisy locker room and saw that the kitsune had already showered and changed his cllothes. That was fast, I thought.  
  
"Do'aho, I'll wait for you outside..." With that sentence, everyone lookd at me then to the kitsune, then back at me.  
  
"Nani?" I asked out of annoyance.  
  
"Are you two... dating or what?"  
  
My eye went wide with the thought. The kitsune and me going out, what a crazy idea! I wanted to scream out loud that they were mistaken but I saw them grinning at me and the kitsune. I felt my cheeks burned with embarrassment.  
  
"Where did you got that idea!" I bursted out all of a sudden.  
  
"Well, you two seemed to be together everywhere so..." Ryota explained.  
  
I just settled for stomping towards the shower stall and shut the door. What a stupid idea, me and the kitsune dating! And the worse explanation I got from them, sheesh! They are talking nonsense!  
  
When I got out of the stall, nobody was in sight. Good, at least they will leave me in peace for a while. I dressed myself and went out of the gym. As the kitsune said, he will wait for me outside and he did. And he was busy sleeping when I approached him.  
  
His face softened a bit but there was still the icy features of the kitsune. I instinctively brushed his hair that had been disarrayed by the wind. I carressed his cheek softly.  
  
"Kitsune..." I whispered.  
  
His eyes opened and smiled. The first smile that I saw from him and it made my heart skip a beat. His eyes was not icy anymore and I felt as if I'm going to drown in them. He was so beautiful, I thought. Matte, did I just said what I think I said? My cheeks felt warm and I looked away.  
  
"Do'aho, let's go..."  
  
I only nodded in response. I can't look at him anymore. I fear that if I looked at him, he would know what I think of him. His beauty that I admired.  
  
Why did my life have to be this complicated?!?!?!?! 


	7. Chapter 6: Mistake Made by Fear

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 6: Mistake Made by Fear  
  
By the end of the school year, I was not not looking at the blue-eyed kitsune. I can't face rejection. It's easy to just keep quiet and stay away from his gaze for a while. Yes, I'm a coward in this blasted situation. When the next school year started, everything should be alright in order to keep it all inside. My thoughts about the whole situation can wait. It's a good thing something offered me a distraction. I practice with the Ryonan top ace everyday. That spiky haired guy with a clown's smile plastered all over his face. It's a good thing that he came that very day when I was thinking about what to do with the kitsune.  
  
*flashback*  
  
I was sitting on a swing in the park, thinking and minding my own business.  
  
"Sakuragi, what's up?" someone said. I raised my bowed head and saw the spiky haired boy from Ryonan Team. His smile is obviously plastered on his face.  
  
"What do you want, Sendoh?"  
  
"Is anyone sitting there?" he pointed the swing beside me.  
  
"No."  
  
He sat beside me and we just stayed there for a few minutes. I returned to my musings. I was so into my thinking about the kitsune that I didn't heard a question that Sendoh asked. He tapped my shoulder to get my attention.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Are you alright. You looked bothered."  
  
"I'm fine.. I'm just thinking... about things..."  
  
"You *think*?" he said with a mischievous gleam in his eye.  
  
"Nani?!?! Are you saying that the Tensai doesn't think!"  
  
*end flashback*  
  
That started our friendship with each other. He's not as bad as I thought and he gives me a few pointers in basketball as well. I never got the chance to say that to Rukawa though. I do hang out with him as well but not that frequently anymore. Everytime I thought about the Kitsune sleeping and seeing his blue eyes and smiling at me, I can't help but blush.  
  
As I looked at him while playing, he seems fine and nothing wrong at the moment. I continued practicing and doing wHat I usually do. The practice went on normally in my point of view, which is receiving few fan slaps and "Gori Punches".  
  
After sowering and changing my clothes, I was ready to play once again with the spiky haired clown. As soon as I left the locker room, there stood from the door of the gym is the clown himself, Sendoh, grining as usual. Everyone in the team who was walking towards the exit halted and looked at him.  
  
"What are you doing here Sendoh?" Akagi asked.  
  
"Picking someone up..." and looked at me.  
  
I walked towards him and gestured him to move on. He followed me and I looked back. Most of the members of the basketball club had their mouths agape, the others had those questioning eyes, but the face I was looking for was not there. He was nowhere to be found. I just sighed and looked towards my destination once again.  
  
*Ring*  
  
"Moshi moshi, Sakuragi residence.."  
  
"Hey, Hanamichi!"  
  
"Oh, it's you Sendoh, what's up?" I asked nonchalantly.  
  
"Nothing, I just want to talk something..."  
  
Nice answer but my simple brain accepted it. We talked and talked about all things. Only half of myself is listening while the other half was thinking about a blue-eyed boy. Then I heard something from the Ryonan clown that caught my attention. I think it was the name of the kitsune.  
  
"What was that again, Sendoh?" I asked.  
  
"I said I like Rukawa..." So I was right, he did mention his name in between the conversations. Then, all I can see is red. Jealousy took over.  
  
"He's mine!" I said, not thinking of the consenquences.  
  
"Take it easy, I'm not going to kidnap him and he's all yours, I just said that I like him..."  
  
"Gomen, I guess I act impulsively..."  
  
Then the conversations shifted to another topic. I was relieved that he didn't mention his name again. I guess he got the message.  
  
That night, I was thinking things through again. I guess he's not interested, I said to myself. I sighed again and slept, not noticing that a teardrop escaped my eye.  
  
Everyday Sendoh came to Shohoku to pick me up and we will play 1 on 1 on the court near my house. If the kitsune felt any anger towards me, he didn't let it show. His mask of coldness was there once again and I couldn't reach to him anymore. I guess I was wrong in doing that but I didn't know that he would react strongly about it. I didn't know what to do anymore.  
  
Then one day it finally came, his anger lashing out. He walked towards me with deadly ccuracy. I was talking to Yohei about something when he came unannounced. I looked at him and I saw fire of anger.  
  
"If you don't want me, tell me!" he said with coldness he can then turned and walk away as if nothing happened.  
  
Right then and there, I broke down and cried in front of Yohei. I didn't care if he saw me or what. He didn't asked any questions, just comforted me and telling me its ok, he understands.  
  
I got home with a sad face. The rain poured but I didn't care if I was soaked. I took out my key and got inside the house. I ran towards my bedroom and cried again and again. I slept for a moment. I thought I can have my peace in my sleep but I was wrong. His face full of anger came and haunt me. His eyes full of blazing fire looked to me. I screamed and cried again.  
  
That's when my depression took over. I went inside the bathroom again and grabbed the razor. It hurt but I needed the pain. I need something to cover the pain that's inside my heart... 


	8. Chapter 7: Confessions in Paper

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 7: Confessions in Paper  
  
I bandaged my hand before going back to my bed and cried again. I didn't know that I can cry like that. My wrist began to bleed again but I didn't care. I was too wrapped up to the memories replaying in my head. By the time I felt the pain of my sore wrist, the bandage was already soaking with blood. I changed bandage, wincing at the feeling of cloth brushed over the wound. I guess I slashed it too deep this time, I thought.  
  
I didn't went to school the next day. I just stayed in the bed staring at the ceiling like something interesting is going to happen. I felt exhausted with everything. I didn't want to face him, yet. Honestly, I was scared, confused and guilty for everything. I don't know what to do. I didn't know that he would react like that. His eyes blazing with liquid fire with coldness beneath those saphire globes. I do love him.... I said to myself and cried again.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." I said it over and over again until I was satisfied that it would be alright. Then I just stared at the ceiling once again.  
  
I stayed like that for the whole day, not eating, not sleeping, just staring at the ceiling. The memory of his blazing eyes replayed in my head like a film. Over and over again, not wanting me to have a peace of mind for just a moment. Light turned into dark when I noticed that I wasn't moving at all. I sat up when I heard a phone ringing. Thinking that it was Rukawa, I ran towards it, stumbling in the process.  
  
"Moshi, moshi?" I said, catching my breath.  
  
"Hey, Hanamichi, where were you? I was waiting in front of the gym when Akagi told me that you didn't practice... Did you run a marathon and you're catching your breath like that?"  
  
"Sendoh.." my voice wavered a little. My disappointment was clearly heard by the clown in the next line. He laughed.  
  
"Heh, you should rest. You don't sound too good. I'll talk to you some other time, ja..."  
  
"Matte....." I tried to say something else but I heard the click on the other side. So I'm back to staring at the ceiling in my room. I didn't notice that I have fallen asleep.  
  
The next day, I went to school with my mask intact. I wouldn't let anybody notice my pains and depression. Yohei didn't ask about the other day. He just nodded and point to the seat next to him, by the window. My mind drifted to space as the teacher explained the lesson. The day went by slowly and painfuly. he teacher excused himself to get something from the faculty room.  
  
"Hey, Hanamichi, someone's here to see you.." Yohei said and tapped my shoulder. I loooked at the door and there he was, standing there ready to kill. His eyes were still cold and unfeeling so I just looked down. The girls in the classroom started to fawn and drool over him. I didn't notice him again until his shadow is in front of me. I looked up and saw his eyes. Those eyes that haunt my dreams as well as my nightmares.  
  
He merely put somethig on my desk and walked away. I looked at his parting back an slowly looked at the *thing* he put on my table. The *thing* that he dropped there was a envelope that is sealed. I instantly grabbed it and stuffed it inside of my pocket. I looked at the girls who were drooling after him and smiled. I guess they didn't notice it, I thought.  
  
I read it as the teacher starts giving his lectures once again. He didn't dare to grab the letter I was reading or my hell would break loose. I guess he can tell it from my eyes.   
  
The letter contained the neat script Rukawa. I was so shocked at the contents of the letter that I starting to feel that I was dreaming. I pinched myself again and again to make sure that I'm not dreaming. My eyes went wide like saucers as I read the last part of the letter...  
  
MAYBE I'M JEALOUS, MAYBE I'M POSSESIVE, MAYBE I LOVE YOU, MAYBE I'VE SAID TOO MUCH... IF THIS IS LOVE THEN I THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS TO ME EVEN IF IT WAS SHORT-LIVED. I'M SORRY FOR EVEYRYTHINg AND I PRAY THAT YOU WOULD FOGIVE ME FOR MY OUTBURST THAT DAY....  
  
  
THANK YOU...... KAEDE  
  
P.S. NOBODY TOLD ME THIS BUT...... I KNOW  
  
I didn't know what to say. I just stared at the letter and re-read it over and over, still not believing that it was real. When lunch time came, I sat there stunned to silence. Yohei tapped me on the shoulder.  
  
"What did it say, Hanamichi?" he said smiling.  
  
I let him read the letter and smiled. He gave me back and motioned me to go to the rooftop. We ate there in silence.  
  
"So you have the answer to your question, Hanamichi..."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"The question that your heart wants to know..." he smiled.  
  
Answer, the answer from my heart..... I grinned and stood up ready for the next class... 


	9. Chapter 8: Understanding Between Two Fri...

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 8: Understanding Between Two Friends  
  
I felt giddy and my sadness totally disappeared as I looked at the letter once again. I never felt anything like this before. Everything seems beautiful in my sight. I walked towards the gym to practice and to talk to the blue-eyed kitsune. everthing wa going smoothly until I felt he was avoidng me at all costs. He didn't even muttered the famous "Do'ao".  
  
"What's the matter with you?" Mitsui asked all of a sudden. I looked at him but I didn't reply at all. I just stared at the floor and walked away. I don't what o do now. He didn't want to talk to me and I can't seem to find a good time to talk with him, alone.  
  
The practice ended sudden;y and everyone is scrambling up to go to the locker room to change. I was left alone, pondering on how would approach the Kitsune.  
  
"Hanamichi!" someone called me from behind. I whirled around and saw Sendoh there, grinning like an idiot. I scowled at him in return.  
  
"I.... uhm... I'm the cleaning duty for the day... I can't come"  
  
"Sure, ja..." he said as he walked away. I didn't realize that I held my breath for a while. I breathe a sigh of relief. went to the locker room and asked to see who was going to be the cleaning monitor. Gori said that it was me and Rukawa. Perfect!  
  
I grabbed the mop that was in the cabinet and started moppping the gym. As I expected, Rukawa came and mopped as well. He didn't looked at me, just mopped and mopped. This is going to be harder than I thought. We mopped in silence until we were done. I turned to see Rukawa walking towards the locker room.  
  
"A..no, kitsune..." I started. He turned. That's a good sign... His eyes bore into my mask and it instantly cracked. My heartbeat quickened its pace and cold sweat run over my body. I opened my mouth but nothing came out.  
  
"What is it, Do'aho?"  
  
"A..no... uhm... are you mad at me?" I asked, stammering. His eyes registered surprise than it came back to the cold, unfeeling gaze. I shifted my eyes to the floor as to not look at his eyes. I felt drowning in those cold depths.  
  
"No.."  
  
I was relieved when he said that. I didn't know what to do if he said that he was mad at me. His eyes were no longer icy, only liquid fire that is filled with sadness. I don't kno what to say anymore. Everything in my mind went blank as I stare to those saphire eyes. Few seconds of silence gave me time to reconstruct what I need to say.  
  
"I didn't mean to do it... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." A tear escaped my eyes then another, then another until I can't stop crying anymore. I sank to my knees and bowed my head. I don't know what to say anymore. Everything is a huge mistake, everything I do is a mistake! They were right, I should not have lived! Everything in my life is a huge mistake! Then I felt someone embracing me, stroking my back, soothing my pain like a child.   
  
"Shh.. It's alright, I'm here.." he whispered into my ear. I just cried and cried on his chest until I could not cry no more. His scent is intoxicating my senses. I slip away from his embrace and looked at him.  
  
"Thank you.. Rukawa..."  
  
"Kaede"  
  
"Kaede.." I blushed as I tried his name.  
  
"Let's go home Hana-kun.."  
  
"Hai.." He walked me home and bid me goodnight. I slept peacefully that night, no nightmares, just his face that smiled at me always. I felt that I was on the top of the world.  
  
We've became good friends. I didn't mind if the basketball team teased me endlessly about being close to Kaede. I just blush in response and walk away. Kaede didn't mind it as well. His cold expression doesn't give anything but I know he was embarrassed. I still kept playing with Sendoh after practices but Kaede accompanies me to our 1 on 1 and sometimes join in. He still doesn't trust the clown but he didn't show it, I just feel it.  
  
But then, something is tugging inside my heart, longing for something else. I know that we love each other but I want us to be more than friends. It triggered when Micchy asked me a question that I didn't want to answer. He said that if answered it then he will tell something to me. Yup, he's in love with a guy too but apparently, that guy is not noticing his advances and just shrugs in reply, like Kaede I guess.  
  
*flashback*  
  
That day was cloudy and Sendoh and I decided that we are not going to play. He said that it might rain and we might get ourselves sick playing in the rain. I was walking towards my home after I walked Kaede home when someone called me from behind.  
  
"Oi, Sakuragi, matte yo!" I turned and saw that Micchy was running towards me.  
  
"Nani, Micchy?"  
  
He scowled as he heard the nickname I gave to him. He catched his breath and tried to shout at me for not calling him like that. His name is itsui not Micchy as I usually call him.  
  
"I'm Mitsui, got it, Sakuragi?"  
  
"Whatever you say, Micchy" I grinned as I see his scowl again. we walked quietly side by side.  
  
"Ne, Sakuragi, can I ask you something?"  
  
"Yah, sure, Micchy, shoot..."  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
I was stunned with the question. I didn't know that he would ask me that question. I blushed with embarassment and kept quiet. My strides became longer, wanting to walk faster and leave the scarred man behind but he was fast and grabbed my wrist.  
  
"Let go, Micchy, i don't need to tell you anything...."  
  
"If you love each other, why aren't you dating?"  
  
"I..." I started to say but he didn't pause.  
  
"You should be lucky that he returnsyour feelings. You two should be happy!" I noted a little tinge of pain in his voice as he spoke. Obiously, he has someone in mind but apparently he dind't reciprocate his feelings.  
  
"Who is it Micchy?" I dared to ask.  
  
"Who do you think?"  
  
I looked at the possibilities of his little love. Gori.... nah, he's too damn scary, Ryota... nope, they are very alike, Kaede... I don't think so, but maybe... "Kaede?"  
  
He was shock at my answer then laughed out loud.  
  
"No, he's not the one... tell you something, if I told you who is it, will you answer my question?"  
  
I nodded in response. My curiosity got he best of me but curiosity killed the cat, right? I really don't care that time. I'm dying to know who was the scarred man's secret love.  
  
"It's Kogure..." he smiled as he said his name. I little tint of red came to his cheeks.  
  
"Megane-kun?"  
  
He only nodded in response. His blush became a bright red. I guess I left out Megane-kun behind. Come to think of it, Micchy usually teases Megane-kun when they were together.  
  
"So, are you in love with Rukawa?" he asked. I blushed once again. I wondered how many times do I need to blush until my cheeks are permanently red.  
  
"Yes, I'm in love with him but I don't think he wants a relationship with me, are you satisfied Micchy?"  
  
"No, have you asked him if he wants to or not?"  
  
*end of flashback*  
  
Yes, did I asked him yet? No.... I should ask him, I shouldn't jump into conclusions. With my mind made up in asking Kaede if he wanted a relationship, I grabbed a pen and paper and started a writing a letter, asking him...  
  
I just hope he wouldn't say no... 


	10. Chapter 9: Jealousy of a Blue-eyed Boy

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 9: Jealousy of a Blue-eyed Boy  
  
So, Micchy is really in love with Megane-kun. I saw them while we were practicing. Megane-kun, Micchy, Gori visited the team to ensure that we are really practicing, like we need to be visited. Micchy is trying really hard to be noticed my Megane-kun but apparently, Megane-kun is doing something else.  
  
*flashback*  
  
"Ne, Kimi-chan, 1 on 1?" Micchy asked.  
  
I heard him say then Megane-kun's eyes sparked. I guess it was the wrong to say. after that, I only saw blurred vision of them running around. Megane-kun is holding Ayako's paper fan and trying to land a perfect hit on Micchy's head.  
  
"Nani Kimi-chan? What's your problem?" I heard Micchy screamed as they an.  
  
"I told you not to call me Kimi-chan!" the other wailed.  
  
That went on until Gori stepped in and landed a punch on Micchy's head. I smirked since I was not the only recipient of that punch anymore.  
  
*end flashback*  
  
As I walked out of the gum, I saw Kaede waiting for me. He was leaning on a tree trunk and apparently fast asleep again. I tapped him on the shoulder to wake him up. He slowly opened his eyelids and smiled.  
  
"What took you so long?" he asked groggily and yawned. He was so cute when he yawned. I blushed at the thought.  
  
"Gomen.." I scratched my head as always. "Gori wanted to talk to me about something..."  
  
He nodded and started walking towards my house. As I walked towards the door I turned around.  
  
"Ne, Kaede... here.." I said giving him the letter. He looked at it and raised an eyebrow. "Take it.." I said and put it in his hand. I opened the door and left him there standing. I think my heart skipped several beats before I calmed myself up. God, that was so embarassing! My face felt hot. I walked towards the kitchen and prepared me something to eat.  
  
I was waiting for his answer the next day but he didn't seem remember the letter. He just played like he played always, the ace of shohoku. Cold and distant eyes bore through me when he looked at me. Nothing srange there though. I didn't push him to say anything, he will say it if he's ready. But for once, he didn't wait for me. I walked out of the gym and never saw him there.  
  
"Sakuragi, are you alright?" Micchy asked.   
  
I nodded. That was the only answer I can give.  
  
"Where is Rukawa anyway?"  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Well, I did what you told hme and I asked. I've written a letter..."  
  
"Then, what did he say about the letter?"  
  
"Nothing... he didn't say anything..." I shrugged.  
  
The next day, I got the answer I needed. He wrote it in a letter as well. I practiced and I didn't bother him about it. He still didn't wait for me though. I was in the locker room when I read the letter..  
  
I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT IT. I LOVE YOU BUT I CAN'T STAKE MY IDENTITY FOR IT. I'M AFRAID THAT IF EVERYBODY KNOWS, OUR SITUATION WOULD BE CRITICIZED AND I DON'T LIKE THAT. AGAIN I'M SORRY AND I LOVE YOU...  
  
KAEDE  
  
I was heartbroken. I felt a tear roll down my cheeks. I brushed it away. I didn't know what to say. I smiled to myself and folded the letter. I knew in my heart that he didn't mean to break my heart. I understand him, I really do and will respect his decision for it. He loves me but he doesn't want to take the risk. I don't know what to do. I walked out of the gym and someone called me.  
  
"Oi, Sakuragi, over here!" someone called me. I looked and saw Sendoh there, waving his hands and grinning like an idiot. I walked towards him and smiled.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I asked politely, hiding my disappointment that it was Sendoh with me, not Kaede.  
  
"We play everyday, right? Hey, where's Rukawa?"  
  
"Oh, he went home already... I think he doesn't feel like playing"  
  
After we played a tiring game, we both slumped on the ground, catching our breaths. After minutes of panting, I stood up and grabbed my things. I was going to leave when Sendoh called me.  
  
"Nani? I'm going home, it's getting late!" I wailed.  
  
"I'll walk you home, I need tostop by somewhere in that area to greet my bestfriend anyway..." he said while arranging his things.  
  
I agreed, what would happen anyway? We walked towards the house of his bestfriend while talking about him all the way. The only thing I gathered was his name was Koshino Hiroaki and he was his bestfriend since his elementary years. Toda was his birthday and he wanted to greet him and leave.  
  
"Do you want to come with me to Koshino's place?" he asked casually.  
  
I nodded. Why not? Sendoh's my friend anyway and besides, having more friends or acquaintances would be fun. We reached the place and he pressed on the doorbell. A guy came out and grinned at him.  
  
"Hey, Sendoh!!! I thought you didn't remember!" said the man while trying to rumple the clowns hair. I wonder how does his hair stand like that?  
  
"Hey, Kosh, this is Sakuragi..." I waved at him and smiled. They talked a while and I just listened. As we said our goodyes, Koshino called Sendoh to talk to him alone. I looked at them and just waited. I'm in no mood to eavesdrop. After the short talk between friends, we walked towards my home.  
  
"Sakuragi..."  
  
"Nani, Sendoh?" I asked looking ar him questioningly. He smiled. God, is his smile always glued to his face and never fades away? I wonder if he has jaw ache with all those smiles that he gives...  
  
"Is is alright if I give Koshino your number? He asked it..."  
  
"Sure... whatever..." I said as I turned to the corner. I didn't mind at all, and I don't care. All I care about is the rejection which Kaede gave me this day. The rejection is slowly seeping through my soul and drowning it with all the venom it held. I looked at him and waved goodbye then I ran towards my house. Tears are threatening to spill any moment.  
  
I took a shower and punched the walls until my hands are sore. I shut the water then toweled myself to dry. I dropped to the bed and stared at the ceiling.  
  
*Ring... Ring....*  
  
"Moshi... moshi..."  
  
"Hey, Sakuragi-kun, it's me, Koshino, Sendoh's friend..."  
  
"Oh, it's you, what do you want?" I asked impatiently. I really don't want to talk to anybody right now. I know I sounded grumpy but I don't care. He was busy talking with himself while looked at the wall and remembering the letter.  
  
"Can I court you, Sakuragi-kun?" I snapped from my reverie. Did I heard it right?  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I said, can I court you...?"  
  
Silence. All I can see is Kaede. His hands on mine. His lips, his icy eyes. No, I don't want.. No, no, no, no....  
  
"No.."  
  
"Pardon...?"  
  
"No..., I love another.."  
  
"I understand..."  
  
"Sayonara.... Koshino-san...." I dropped the receiver. A tear rolled down my cheek. I brushed it away but it seems more and more are falling.  
  
I cried that night. The rejection was too much to take. I wanted to hurt myself again and again, again and again. I looked myself in the mirror and hated myself more. Why did it have to be like this? Why does it have to be like this? My sadness became hate and my hate became the fuel for my depression. I hated myself more. I punched the glass not feeling anyuthing. My hands were dripping with blodd, my blood. I looked at it and shruged. I grabbed my jacket and went to the hospital.   
  
The next day, my right hand was in bandages. Imagine them all wide eyed with surprise written on their faces. I smiled at them and excused myself from playing basketball. I just sat there and watched them play. Akagi and the others are there as well, monitoring our progress.  
  
"Hey, Sakuragi, what happend to your hand...?" Micchy asked. He sat beside me, smiling. I looked at Megane-kun. I wondered why was Micchy here while Megane-kun is on the other side of the gym, talking with Gori. He did noticed that I was looking at Gori and Megane-kun.  
  
"Are those two...." I asked curiously.  
  
"I don't know, but I wish they would tell me and the others if they are dating so I would not expect too much any more. He knows my feeling for him..."  
  
I smiled sadly. I guess we're just the same in terms of lovelife. we can't have what we truly love. We just accept, never question. Just accept everything even if it hurts too much to begin with.  
  
"So, your hand..." he asked again.  
  
"I accidentally punched the mirror...instead the wall...." I said smiling, trying to make a humor out of it. Of course, i'm not going to tell the truth in what happened. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want them to worry at all.   
  
"How are you, anyway... Did Rukawa replied yet....?"  
  
I nodded and relayed everything in the letter. I told also Koshino and what he said to me. He was surprise. I grinned and walked away. I grabbed a ball and started dribbling with my left hand.  
  
"Sakuragi!" I turned around and saw Ayako calling me. I walked towards her and smiled. She grabbed the ball and point at the bench. I sighed and sat there, looking at Kaede. HIs strides, his jumps, his shoots and defence are all graceful.  
  
The practice went smoothly. As the practice came to an end, everyone ran towards the locker room to change. I remained there seated and staring at the hoop. a hand waved in front of my face. I looked up and saw Micchy smiling at me. He sat beside me. We sat there quietly. He broke the silence which was probabaly defeaning him.  
  
"Why don't you give Koshino a chance?" he said.  
  
"I..." that was all I can say as a angry fox stormed out of the locker room looking grim. He faced us with his glare. His eyes were blazing with liquid fire.  
  
"What do you mean ive him a chance?" he asked with venom. I looked at him and sighed. I stood up and walked away. Nothing seemed to go right for me anymore. Nothing at all.... 


	11. Chapter 10: Coldness of Being Alone

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 10: Coldness of Being Alone  
  
I didn't play the game for a week until the wound on my hand is gone. But by that time, I preferred to be alone and be left alone. Anyone who disturbs me receives a headbutt or somethiing else. Even Yohei and the gang doesn't want to disturb my loneliness and grief. Nothing seems to lighten me up. Every waking day, I was sucked inside the whole of my soul. The blackness in it drives my depression to high gear and eating me.  
  
I still play though, but my cheerfulness is gone. My fire in me is gone. I don't want to compete anymore, I don't want to live anymore. I tried to kill mself everytime but it seems I would suddenly wake up and clean the wounds that I give to myself. I'm wasted, that's it, wasted as the back pits of hell. I just played for nothing.  
  
The practice ended. I went to the locker room to freshen myself. I entered the stall and opened the water. I sat down and let the water wash me. I have no strenght to anything anymore. Everything becomes a task, a need to survive but lately, my soul doesn't want to survive anymore. I just stayed there and I fell asleep.  
  
I didn't know how long I stayed there. I just welcomed the nirvana that engulfed me and stopped the pain at least for a moment. I openned my eyes expecting to see the shower stall and water still running. I opened them and I saw the ceiling of the locker room. I sat up, ignoring the pain on my back from sleeping on the bench.  
  
"Do'aho..."  
  
I looked behind me and saw Kaede. His blue eys that are normally icy and cold have softened that reminded the midnight sky. He walked towards me and smiled.  
  
"Nani, Rukawa?" I said.  
  
"I've been thinking about lately. I know that I've hurt you and I know that you love me so that why you just remained quiet...." He walked towards me and sat as well. "...and I decided that I might as well try to be with you..."  
  
"What are you saying Rukawa?"  
  
"I'm saying yes to your proposition..."  
  
My eyes widened. I smiled at him as he smiled back. I didn't expected this to happen. I dressed myself and grabbed my bag. I walked him home. I said goodnight to him and walked towards my house. I felt giddy all of a sudden and all of my demons have disappered, neatly tucked away somewhere in my head. By the time I got home, I was exhausted that I fell asleep right away.  
  
The next day, I played with all my heart and smiled my genuine smile. I'm stiull as loud as ever and still argues with people around, insulting them. I was so happy that I didn't care what other people think of me. We held our relationship a secret. I didn't care as long as my kitsune is with me, nothing matters, right? That's what I thought and after a week, we broke up. I was shattered, I thought everything was ok. He explained that he was threatened that Iwould somehow say yes to Koshino and leave him.  
  
Yes, only threatened, he only said yes to me because he felt threatened becuase of another boy that would court me. I nodded in response and I still walked him home. I let him go, just like that.  
  
Now, everything is worthless once again. I punch the walls again and again until my fist are sore. I slashed my wrist again with the razor in my bathroom. The blood flowed out like water. This is a never ending cycle that would ultimate kill me. I know that it will happen, eventually. I would like to suffer before I leave this desolate place.   
  
My mask is placed on my face again. I smiled, I laugh and insulted everyone in the team. I'm still loud as ever and still singing my song. I didn't know that anyone would notice my mask until Micchy walked beside me and smiled.  
  
"Why are you pretending that you're alright?" he asked. I was in my own world and didn't heard anything that he said. The past events are stuck in my mind and still there. I wanted to hate him but I can't, I love him, I love him.  
  
"I love him.." I dind't realised that I said it aloud until Micchy grabbed my shouder and smiled. Tears gathered up my eyes and rolled down to one cheek.  
  
"But he left you, didn't he?"  
  
That was the last thing I want to remember. The pain suddenly came back. Everything came back. I just have to get away from everything.  
  
I turned and ran. I ran and ran until I got home. I looked around and saw nothing. Nothing that could help me, nothing at all. I sat on the couch and hugged myself. I felt cold, empty. Fresh tears pured out until I slept. Darkness took over.... 


	12. Chapter 11: Another Chance in Love

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 11: Another Chance in Love  
  
My mask became my shield for the time being. I conviced everyone that I was alright. Only one person knows my grief inside, it was Micchy. He understood me very well when it comes to love life that is. Only Kaede knows my depression that wants to escape within me. I will not tell anynbody about it and besides who will believe me. They would just laugh at me.  
  
I still bicker with Kaede with my 'Baka Kitsne' antics. My head swells from the paper fan of Ayako. She hits me so hard these days though, or is it my defence is getting weaker. I don't really know. I guess I lost so much blood these days. I keep slashing myself to sleep, alternating with my crying. My stamina always slowly fading. I played and played until I can not play anymore, until I collapsed. I embraced the darkness that engulfed me and satiated my weeping soul for a while. he only thing I heard was their voices calling my name.   
  
I don't know how long I was knocked out. I woke up with a wet towel on my forhead. I sat up and saw no one in the gym. They left me here on the floor in the gym! Just then the locker room opened and I saw Kaede holding a basin. He looked at me and smiled. I looked away and lie on my back once again. He walked towards me and kneeled. He took the towel on my forhead and dipped it into he basin.  
  
"You should be careful with your health Hana-kun..." he said soothingly as he placed the towel on my head again. I dared to look at him again, his eyes are so warm. The ice is melted, leaving only the liquid fire that melted it. His hand brushes my cheek softly and I smiled.  
  
"I guess, I need to be going now..." I said. I sat up and tried to stand up but my feet didn't hold. I felt Kaede supported me before I lost any footing. My breathing became labored.  
  
"I'll take you home..." he said. I only nodded. He took my things and his as well and supported me all the way home. I got my keys from my bag and opened the door.  
  
"Where's yur room Hana-kun?" he asked. I can't really say. My head is spinning and the darkness is threatening to claim me once again. The next day, I was in my room. I guess Kaede looked around and carried me. I sat up and immediately, I saw the Kaede sleeping on a chair, his head was on my bed. I carressed his cheek lightly. He's so beautiful. I blushed as I looked at his inviting lips.  
  
"Hana-kun, are you alright?" he said as he sat down properly and rubbed his eyes. He looked at me so much affection that I wanted to cry, then I reminded myself that he cared me because I was his friend, nothing more, nothing less. He only felt threathen when he said yes to me. In one of those rarest moments, he smiled whole-heartingly, I smiled back.  
  
"I'm fine Kaede, arigato" I said and smiled sadly at me. He smiled again and he lunged at me for an embrace. I stifened at his touch, not because I was disgusted, no, but because he lunged at me and started crying like a kid. Yes, crying.  
  
"aede, why are you crying?" I asked. He lifted his eyes and smiled. That's a miracle, he smiled for three times already and counting. He sat upright on the bed and lowered his lips to mine. My eyes widened at the feeling of his lips. I slowly closed my eyes as I felt his lips on mine. When the kiss ended, he looked at me right in the eyes..  
  
"I never did the chance to tell you that I love you, didn't I?" he said. He embraced me again. "I love you, I love you, I love, I love you.." he whispered again and again in my ear.  
  
"Why are you saying this Kaede?"  
  
"Because I want to say yes to you again..." he said and I smiled. I didn't think the past relationship, I didn't think of anything, just felt his presence and is love for me.  
  
"I love you Kaede, very much..." 


	13. Chapter 12: For A Moments Peace

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 12: For A Moments Peace  
  
He took care of me until I can take care of myself again, until I can play basketball again. He said the team have been expecting me to return. He smiled only to me and retain his cold exterior to others. Everyone in school especially the Rukawa Shitenai knew about our relationship. They didn't say anything about us, I guess they respected us in some way. Haruko-chan just nodded when she heard the news and smiled at me, a fake smile but her eyes registered all the pain she felt.  
  
"Gomen Haruko-chan.... I didn't mean to.." I tried to apologise but she shook her head smiled once again.  
  
"Iie... I understand Sakuragi-kun, don't worry, I'm fine..."  
  
We continued to play the game. We still bicker around with each other and throw insults that results to teasing. Ayako is ready with her ever reliable fan and when Gori is visiting us, I would get a punch or so. In other words, nothing changed. Except the fact that the walking block of ice is smiling but only for me and were constantly together that people say that we were the sweetest couple in the campus. I blushed at the thought.  
  
We practiced and gave our all. Everyone was was surprised with our improvements. The passes are superb and everything was going on well. The practice went on smoothly and I didn't realize that the practice was over until Ayako whistled. Everyone hustled to go to the locker room to change. I continued to practice as if the Ayako didn't whistle.  
  
"Do'aho..." I looked at the source of the voice.  
  
"Teme Kitsune! Who are you calling Do'aho?" I said smiling. We always tease like these especially when we're alone. He smiled an walked towards me, grabbing the ball. "Wash yourself ahou, we're going home... I'll wait for you.." I nodded and walked towards the locker room to change.  
  
We walked side by side, enjoying just the presence of each other. He grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers together. I looked at him and smiled again. I walked him home and kissed him goodnight, only a peck on the cheek to be exact but it was fine. I went home grinning to myself. The next day, Ryota said that we should take a break from practicing basketball. Kaede called me to come over and hang out for a while or maybe play basketball, 1 on 1. I agre, besides, I missed him even if I last saw him yesterday.  
  
*knock knock*  
  
He opened the door with a smile on his face. Ok, he's becoming like Sendoh, always smiling like an idiot but I don't care. Kaede is much more beautiful than sendoh though. His smile doesn't fail to knock my breath away everytime he did it. And the priviledge of the only person seeing it flatters me that the only response to his smiles are my blushes. I stepped inside his home and sat down on the couch.  
  
"Do you like something to drink?"  
  
"No thanks... So Kae-chan, what are we going to do?"  
  
"Why don't we watch a DVD movie?" he said. I shrugged and walked towards the entertainment room. I drop myself on one of the bean bags in the room and made myself comfortable. He played the cd and dimmd the lights.  
  
"Ne, Kae-chan, what's the movie?"  
  
"You'll see.." he said while snuggling beside me. I draped an arm around him. I looked at the video screen but didn't really watched. I can't watch when an arm of the one you love is on your waist, embracing me and snuggling even closer and his leg is over my legs to add. I can't concentrate on the movie with his presence is just mere inches away from me. I can feel myself harden at the position we are in.  
  
"I'm going to sleep..."  
  
"So you made me into a pillow eh?" I asked jokingly.  
  
"Yes, you can be my pillow..." he said and staddled my waist, his arms are at either side of my head. My breathing became labored as he slowly closed the gap and kissed me fully. I moaned at the feeling of his tongue teasing my lips. His lips traveled from my jaw until he reached ear.  
  
"Let's continue it in my room, shall we?" he whispered.  
  
I let myself half dragged and half carried by Kaede. We made love until we felt satiated with our love. We slept after that and when I wake up, I saw him still beside, sleeping like a baby. His body is intertwined with mine. His head pillowed my chest and his arms is wrapped possesively on my waist, as if fearing that I'm going to disappear any moment. I stroked his hair as I lulled myself to sleep once again.   
  
Visions of happiness finally appeared in dreams. Everything in my life is now wonderful. I have a purpose to live and my dying fire of hope is slowly becoming alive again with flames that would warm and fix my aching soul. Ironic isn't it? The flames that usually destroys things, heals me in the process. I guess the fire is really me.... 


	14. Chapter 13: Kaede's Fears

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 13: Kaede's Fears  
  
After that lovemaking, our routine changed... We play basketball then go to his house and make love over and over again until we can not move anymore. Kaede is very passionate when we are alone and very possessive. His jealousy is radiating with hatred.  
  
*flashback*  
  
"Oi, Sakuragi-kun!"  
  
I looked behind me and saw Sendoh with Koshino with him. I looked at them with puzzlement and wonder. They entered the gym and sat down the bench. They happily chatted with Ayako ang Anzai-sensei. I walked towards them after the practice has ended an smiled. Before I can utter any word to them, an arm a wrapped around my waist. The arm belonged to Kaede. Did I mentioned that he also kissed my neck? I was so embarrassed that we were practically making out in public. I looked at Ayako ang the other team memebers. They secretly smiling at me, their eyes saying good luck. Good luck? Why do I need to have any good lucks? I looked at him and saw hatred and jelousy at the two Ryonan players.  
  
"That's a nice scene, Sakuragi-kun, Rukawa-kun..." Sendoh said while smiling his clown smiles. I looked away and saw that the other members went t the locker room to change, not minding them at all, Ayako ang Anzai-sensei had left. So, we are alone....  
  
"What are you doing here?" Kaede said from behind, his voice full of venom. If his death glare really can kill, Sendoh and Koshino would be forever extinguished by now.  
  
"We're just visiting Rukawa-kun, no need to get all worked up..." the smiley said. Koshino just nodded and smiled.  
  
"Well, I guess your doing alright so we'll leave you two lovebirds alone..." his smile bcam a grin and I felt my face become warmer still. I think my face is much more redder than my hair right now, he thought.  
  
As they left, the arm around my waist loosen a bit but I didn't move. I like the warmness of my lovers body behind me. He kissed my neck again and and moved to my ear.  
  
"You're mine, do'aho"  
  
*end of flashback*  
  
I looked forward with these things everyday. I was priviledged enough to be the only one that can raise these feelings from him. Sometimes I provoke him to just see the sparks from his eyes. I love every minute that i have to spend with him. But everything changed after 5 months in our relationship. My kitsune changed, became cold and unfeeling once again. His touches, his responses are all distant. We never made love again and we never spend as much time as we have in the previous months. Questions left unanswered.  
  
We played basketball but he did not wait for me anymore. Nobody seemed to realize it but I do. Every night I sleep alone in my bed, I felt my depression clawing its way out, trying to resurface once again. Even if my depression is slowly rising, my trust for him is still unaffected. I still trust him whole-heartedly. But one day, I finally knew the answer for everything that was happening and no, he didn't find someone else.  
  
"Do'aho"  
  
"Teme kitsune!!! Who are you calling Do'aho?"  
  
"You, who else?"  
  
I was enraged that I suddenly walked to him and grabbed his collar. It felt like old days but he just shrugged against it and sat in the floor. I sat beside him.  
  
"What's wrong Kaede?" I asked.  
  
"We need to go to our separate ways from now on Hana.."  
  
I was shocked at that statement. As I analyze the situation properly, I saw my depression laughing it's head off and saying that you have nothing once again. You should've have died you know, it said. I blink away the tears that are forming in my eyes.  
  
"Are you saying that we need to stop seeing each other?"  
  
He only noded in response. I can see my world shatter before my eyes, my fire of hope extinguish with just that gesture. I was shocked. I think he saw my face and explained things to me that I would know why he made a hard decision.  
  
"My parents are coming home and they are really homophobic. I don't think they would understand two boys falling in love with each other. They would separate us, but that is not the only worry I'm facing...." he glanced at me and continued, "...I'm sure they would put the blame on you, they would all of it even though I said that it was my fault... They would not listen... I can't stand hearing things like that when they are persecuting is the person I love..." he finished with a sob. I comforted him in my arms.  
  
"Don't worry, I understand..."  
  
"I'm sorry..." he whipered.  
  
"You're not taking a risk and I do understand..."  
  
I stood up and smiled at him. I walked back to the locker room and grabbed my things and went home. That night was the coldest and loneliness night I ever had. I cried and cried until I can not cry anymore. I kept saying tomyself that he still loves me.... but he doesn't want to take any risk! That coward! My heartbroke became hate that is fuelled by my loneliness. I'll show him, I'll show him!!!! 


	15. Chapter 14: Blinded by Passion, Broken b...

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 14: Blinded by Passion, Broken by Loneliness  
  
I went to school the next day feeling nothing. I felt empty inside. I still play basketball though and I still played very well. I still cooperated with the others. The only difference is that I'm reserved to myself. I didn't say anything to anybody, even Kaede for that matter. They thought that we had a big fight that ended everything, but it's not true, I just don't want to talk. What's their problem anyway? What if I don't talk? Sheesh, people are so stupid sometimes!  
  
I walked out of the gym after practice when I saw Sendoh by the park dribbling the ball. I walked up to him. He saw me and his smile is glued to his face again. Boy, can't he stop smiling for a second?!  
  
"Sakuragi, do you want to play?"  
  
I nodded and dropped my bag. We played until I can not move anymore. My muscles are protesting from too much playing. I welcomed the pain and it suddenly stopped the the aching inside my heart for a while. I closed my eyes to accept the pain.  
  
"Sakuragi, daijoubu?"  
  
"I'm fine..." I lied. I stood up and grabbed my bag. I walked home with every pain I received from practicing but I don't care. I don't care anymore. Everything is nothing. Everything I dreamt about me and Kaede is nothing but mere fantasies of a child. I reached my abode and sat on the couch. I've never felt tired in my life. The memories draind me of my emotions, while basketball drained me of my stamina.  
  
*ring ring*  
  
I looked at the phone ringing it's receiver off its bod. I tried to ignore it but the ringing is disturbing the peacefulness in my house. I stood up and picked the offending thing.  
  
"Moshi, moshi?" I answered.  
  
"Ne, Sakuragi-kun... It's me, Koshino..."  
  
"What do you want?" I asked, hint of irritation visible in my voice. I really don't want to talk to anybody especially this guy.  
  
"Are you alright? Sendoh said that you might be feeling lonely..."  
  
"Sendoh? What would a smiley clown know about these anyway?" anger flaring in my voice. How dare that clown meddle withmy affairs?!?!?! I slammed the phone in anger and went back to the couch. I hugged myself and let my tears flow.  
  
I don't know what happen next but when I woke up, I was in the hospital. Everything was white. I sat up when the door opened. I saw my team mates enter with smiles on their faces. I'm still trying to figure out why I was in this place.  
  
"How are you, Sakuragi-kun?" Ayako asked.  
  
"What am I doing here?" I asked scratching my head. I squinted in pain when my wrist came in contact of my head. I saw it has bandages. My eyes widened with the realization that I slashed myself again but this time, I did it a little too deep for convenience. I scowled at the thought.  
  
"Does it hurt, Sakuragi-kun?...." Ayako said, her voice full of worry. "...You shouldn't have done that! It's a stupid thing to do! You can't solve your problems with that kind of action. You...."  
  
"Shut up and get out of my room..." I whispered. Everyone was taken back with my action. I looked at them and smirked. They thought I was crazy.  
  
"Sakuragi, are you really alright?" Miyagi asked.  
  
"Did you think ths was the first time I did it? I just miscalculated the depth of the slash I was giving myself AGAIN, I'm sorry to have worried you, I can take care of myself..." I said. They looked so shocked that I wished I had my camera with me to take pictures. I smirked again wishing them to just disappear. Then my luck changed when the doctor came and pushed everyone out of the room. He said the patient needs a lots of rest.  
  
I idn't know how long I was in that room but everytime I opened my eyes, Kaede was there sleeping on the chair or sometimes on the sofa nearby. But one day, I saw a different person looking at me. He was smiling when I woke up.  
  
"Are you alright Sakuragi-kun?" he asked, his voice full of concern.  
  
"What are you doing here Koshino?"  
  
I turned to the door and saw Kaede glaring at Koshino. I saw his eyes shouting "murder" in them. Kaede walked towards us. I didn't care what will happen to them. I don't care anymore. I just turned away from either of them and put the blanket above my head. I slept again. I just sleep and sleep until I was discharged of the hospital. I looked at the stiched on my wrist. It still fresh so I have to put some bandages on it.  
  
*ring ring*  
  
I grabbed the receiver and spoke to Koshino for a while. I felt nothing and he's the one who usually talks about himself.  
  
"Ne, Sakuragi-kun, have you decided about my proposition?" Koshino asked.  
  
"What proposition?" I asked.  
  
"If I can court you and be your boyfriend..."  
  
I haven't thought about it. I didn't want to think about it and yet here he was thinking that he has a chance. I really don't care what happened, hat would happen anyway?  
  
"Yes, yes you can..."  
  
I dropped the receiver to its place and still felt empty, lonely, nothing. A void has been formed in my heart. Then I regretted that I said yes to Koshino that time. I regretted it as my dreams of me and Kaede came to me like it was yesterday.  
  
"I'm stupid, I'm nothing," I rant and rant things like over and over again until I slept on couch, tears flowed like water. 


	16. Chapter 15: Fighting a Lost Battle

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 15: Fighting a Lost Battle  
  
I practiced when the stiches are dry. I practice in silence and when it ends, I still practice until everyone is out of site. But one particular day, I was shocked to find that Koshino was waiting for me outside with Sendoh in tow. Kaede's eyes blazed with anger. Koshino took me and left Sendoh behind. I don't know what happened that time and I don't care, until Micchy told me about what happened.  
  
*flashback*  
  
"Oi, Hanamichi, can I talk to you for a moment?" I looked at him for a moment and nodded. "Where do you want to talk anyway?"  
  
"Let's go to Danny's"  
  
We walked to Danny's in silence. I don't understand why Micchy wanted to talk to me. Maybe it's because of Megane-kun, maybe something is wrong with the two of them. We sat down the restaurant.  
  
"So, what do you want, Micchy?" I asked.  
  
"Is Koshino you're boyfriend now? I thought you love Kaede?"  
  
I was caught off guard with the question. I thought he's going to ask about Megane-kun but I uess I was wrong. There's no point in telling lies.  
  
"Yes and yes..." I said calmly.  
  
"Then why?"  
  
"I don't know and I don't care... Everything is empty in me, do you know that? Empty. The only thing that's making me live is the fact that some people still cares about me that it's not right..." I looked at his expression. I can tell that he was surprised.  
  
"But you love him..."  
  
"Yes... I do.."  
  
"Did you know that Sendoh's been planning something?"  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I heard him say to Kaede that you and Koshino are together. I overheard their conversation. He said that if he has a boy like Kaede, he would have taken care of him...."   
  
By that time, anger flared inside me then died down. Hey, I don't have anything to do with Kaede anyway. I love him but I don't have a place in his life anymore. It's all my fault, everything....  
  
"....but Keade said that if he didn't love someone else, maybe he could have taken Sedoh's prposition afterall, but he loves someone. e walked away without turning back. Then I heard Sendoh said that Kaede's his and then he grinned."  
  
"Why are you telling me this anyway?" I asked.  
  
"Because.... you said that you loved him right and maybe you can straighten things out with him..."  
  
"I don't have a place in his life anymore and neither does he... It's true that I love him but he has is own life and his own identity to protect..." At that instant, I regretted saying those things to Micchy. i didn't mean it. The anger that flared inside me, mixed with jealousy that fuelled my hate and depression led me to say those things that I don't mean. I clamped my mouth shut and ran away leaving Micchy in the restaurant.  
  
*end flashback*  
  
I went home and called Koshino to say that everything was over between us. I stated that there was no us at all, everything is a game, everything is nothing. He tried to make it the fact that he loves but I said that you don't know me at all and I'm tired for having these arguments. I still love him and othing could change that. I hung up and went to bed but sleep didn't apprach me as I wanted. Instead of sleeping, I found myself in the bathroom once again with the razor on my wrist, ready to slash it. The blood stained my arms and my clothes but I don't care, nothing does anymore.... 


	17. Chapter 16: Nothing More, Nothing Less

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 16: Nothing More, Nothing Less  
  
"I love you... I love you... I love you...."  
  
It repeated in my brain like a song that doesn't want to let go yet. I stare at the ceiling of my room and stayed that way all night. I bandaged my wrist but appaently, the bandage is stained with blood again. I need to re-bandage it to be sure that when they see me, everything would be alright. I didn't feel like going to class the next day so I just stared at the ceiling all day and night until I can not stare anymore. I didn't eat, didn't stood up, just stare. I slept with tears running down cheeks.  
  
I went to school the next day and placed a wrist band on my wound. At least by now, the wound is not bleeding like water anymore. I played with them but didn't said anything. Micchy, Megane-kun and Gori are there as well. They monitored us again and Micchy tried hard to make conversation with Megane-kun. I concentrated in playing basketball until the practice was over. Before I can go to the locker room, someone grabbed me on the wrist. I winced in pain since the wound is still fresh. I was dragged towards the back of the gym. That someone is Kaede.  
  
"What do you want?!" I said, rubbing the sore wrist.  
  
"Is it true? Is it true?" he said gripping my shoulder. He was literally shaking me.  
  
"Yamero Kaede, you're hurting me!" Isaid trying to struggle out of his vise-like grip.  
  
"And what about me? You're trying to hurt me intentionally, huh!!? I sthat what you want?!?!?!?"  
  
"What do you care? We are not a couple anymore, you have no place in my life or in my heart!" I yelled and he let go. He was stunned that he just lost everything. I removed his hands from my shoulders and ran out towards the gym. After that encounter, I didn't want anything to happen anymore but I was wrong. I went home that night feeling sorry for myself when I saw Koshino in front of my house, waiting with Sendoh.  
  
"What are you two doing here? What do you want?" I said.  
  
"Kosh here needs to talk to you, he said something important.." I looked at the silent figure behind Sendoh. He didn't make a move.  
  
"Well, spit it out, I don't have all night to listen you know!" I shouted. I'm getting irritated at the silence the are doing. I tried to get pass them and get inside my house and leave them if they want to stay there in silence. As I walked pass them, a hand held my wrist. I turned around and saw Koshino holding it. I glared at the boy.  
  
"Let go.." I said but he didn't. He just stood there as if I didn't said anything. Without any warning, he embraced me and cried whispering don't leave me. I was shocked to see this kind of affection with another male. My eyes widened when I saw Sendoh smirked, a smirk that says: "You loose, he's mine..."  
  
"I guess I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.." he said whle he walked away leaving me with Koshino. I struggled at Koshino's grip but it hardened more.  
  
"Leave me alone Koshino! Let go!"  
  
"No! You're mine, you're mine!" he said and held me tighter. I head butted him. He fell unconscious but I didn't make a move to get him and place him somewhere safe.  
  
"Like it was my fault that he's there!" I said not caring one bit for the Ryonan player sprawled on the sidewalk of his house. I went inside and shut the door.  
  
*ring ring*  
  
"Moshi, moshi?" I said.  
  
"Hana..." I stiffened at the person who said my name. I didn't expect him to call me. "How are you?"  
  
"Kaede!"  
  
"Can I talk to you?"  
  
"H-hai.." I stammered.  
  
"I'm sorry for everything... I know that you're lonely right now but.. as you can see, I can't..."  
  
"Stop, if this was about that incident then I forgive. I understand your outburst and I don't blame you for anything and I'm sorry as well, but it is true though, we are not together anymore and my love life is none of your business..."  
  
"How about your life, Hana..."  
  
"We're still friends Kaede... still friends..." 


	18. Chapter 17: The Promise

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Chapter 17: The Promise  
  
Everything went on smoothly from that day. I dind't see Koshino again unless there's a game between Ryonan and Shohoku. I'm keeping an eye for Rukawa though. Sendoh's pretty sneaky and I won't forgive myself if Sendoh will have another throphy of a boyfriend. Rukawa and I are still friends but the thing that bothers me is my depression. I can't get it out of my sytem. I still keep torturing myself, still slashing and punching the walls in frustration that I can not throw that feeling away. The depression of being alone, being lonely, being nothing at all but a nuisance to other people. The only thing that keeps me fuelled now is the game and Rukawa. I still love him with all my heart and I'm still waiting for him to return to me and I'll still accept him. I hid my wounds on my wrist by wristbands.  
  
"What is that?" he asked pointing at my wrist.  
  
"Nothing" I said hiding the wound behind my back. Of all the time I forgot my wristband, that's when Kaede notices it! He raises his eyebrows. He obviously didn't believe that it was nothing.  
  
"Don't tell me you did it again, what is your reason now? Do you know that self-mutilation is a psychological disorder?" he stated.  
  
I didn't react to that, I just bowed my head sighed. Well, I can't lie to him anymore, and besides, he knows my problem.  
  
"Don't do it again" he whispered. I only nodded and he smiled for me once again, I wonder if the rukawa shitenai have seen him smile.  
  
"And stop punching walls as well..." he said as he walked away from me.  
  
"Kitsune! Matte yo!" I screamed after him.  
  
"Hayaku do'aho, we're going to be late for practice!"  
  
By that time, my heart and my soul is entagled in that request from the man I truly love. That simple request became a promise that I need to fullfill... until the day I die. I didn't slash my wrist even if my body needs pain and I didn't punch the walls. I didn't do anything to hurt myself anymore. Kaede noticed that the wounds on my wrist are healing, he siled even more. I was pleased with myself that time but something is not right inside me. I can not tell it to Kaede becaue I can not understand it myself.   
  
The practice game between Ryonan and Shohoku was intense and ended with us losing. I felt broken. Did I practice enough? Didn't I do everything I can?  
  
"I lost..." I whispered to myself. I didn't know that someone was listening to what I just said.  
  
"Yes, you lost, and you are just Kaede's... let just say... 'burden'" he said, giving the emphasis on the last word. I looked at the smiling face of the Ryonan player and smiled. I already know that I was a burden but Rukawa as well? I walked towards our locker room in silence. He's right you know, you're only a burden to the people around you, you are nothing, you should've died when you supposed to have died not to be alive to give people a burden. Now I know what was bothering me. The demons in my head and my depression are teaming up. I was outnumbered. A hand on my shoulder snapped me back to reality.  
  
"Hana, let's go..." he said and I smiled.  
  
The next day, I quitted basketball and didn't go to school anymore. I didn't want to see anything or anyone. I'm just a burden. I cried again in my sleep. The team went and knocked on my door but I didn't answer them. i didn't answer my calls. I retreated to myself, not eating, not doing anything. Just curled up, crying, sleeping if it comes and remembering everything that happened. For days, I stayed like this, not caring to the world , not caring for myself.  
  
I woke up one ay wanting to eat again. I guess everyhing became alright after sulking around. I guess that's the next best thing I can do than slashing myself and breaking a promise.   
  
Then I decided to get away from everything. Basketball, Rukawa, everything. I wanted to tell the team but they would just try to persuade me not to go. I didn't want to be persuaded to these things. I wanted to go. Then I remembered him. What would happen if I go? I guess I need to tell him though. I don't like to betray him just like that.  
  
I went outside to find Kaede and tell him of my plans. I'm going to Europe and I'll be staying there for a while, I need peace... that went on in my head as I practice what I'm going to say to him. I turned to the corner of an alley and saw him with... Sendoh.  
  
Everything came into place. Sendoh suceeded in taking his heart away from me. I smiled and turned around to walk the other way. I was happy for Kaede, at least he founded happiness.  
  
"Hana!" I heard someone shout. I turned around and saw Kaede running towards him and Sendoh running behind him. I just watched. He approached me with uncertainty. Sendoh had his smirk on and placed his arm on Kaede's shoulders. Kaede shrugged it off and walked towards me once more. I smiled.  
  
"It's not what you think.."  
  
"Come on Kaede, you'll have to say one word you'll have me!" the smiley said. He looked at m with those eyes that said "he's mine now, you're nothing!"  
  
"How do you know what I think Rukawa?" I asked and smile once again. "I wish for your happiness... don't worry about me, I'm fine..." with that statement, I turned around and walked away from them. Kaede didn't follow me after that. I walked around aimlessly for hours until I decided to return home and pack my things. I saw someone standing infront the door of my house. Oh no, not again. That Koshino guy is giving me headaches! But apparently, it's not Koshino, it was Kaede waiting for me.  
  
"Hana..." he said.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I asked. He smiled sadly and walke toward me. He grabbed my shoulders and kissed me. When the kiss ended, we were gasping for breath.  
  
"Why did you do that?" I asked. my mind is slightly dazed with the experience of the kiss.  
  
"Because I love you..." with those simple words, everything came back to me. I need to get away or my demons will eventually kill me. Everytime I see him, they react and it gives them enough power for me to do something drastic.  
  
"I'm leaving, Kaede.." I said and walked pass him. I opened the door and close it tightly behind me. He knocked, calling my name but I didn't listen. It's better this way.... 


	19. Epilogue

The Wait  
by Rien  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
Epilogue  
  
Europe, 2002  
  
So here I am now, in Europe. Drinking coffee in a cofee shop, and staring at the snow flowing in a lonely night like this. I'm scribbling something in the tissue paper that i would have given Kaede with the letter. The poem that's been running inside my mind. Two years of stay did help but my demons are still around. I played basketball in a University with a scholarship and working after school hours.   
  
But I'm going crazy to the act that I can't help myself in the pain I'm feeling. All the depression and the lonelinesss that demons inflict upon me makes me wonder how much time I have before I leave forever in this world. I wonder what Kaede is doing right now... I send him a letter once with my adress on it, thinking that he would answer back. I didn't receive a note or anything from him. He does not want me, I guess. Who would want a bothersome person like me?   
  
But I know I want to see him for the last time before I leave this world. Yes, you guessed it, I'm dying. That was the most shocking news I got when I live here in Europe. It only started with a minor headache that became a migrane with occassional nosebleeds. I didn't do anything since migranes are just a part of life especially when stressed out. With the school work I have to do while playing the sport I love and working as well. But when I fainted because of dizziness, and the insistent pounding of my head, the doctor in our school said that I have to go to a hospital for a check up just in case. I went there and found what's happening to me.  
  
*flashback*  
  
STATUS: DIAGNOSED WITH BRAIN CANCER THE DISEASE HAVE AFFECTED THE LEFT PART OF THE BRAIN AND THE PATIENT MAY HAVE ONLY FOUR MONTHS TO LIVE. THE BRAIN IS CONSTANTLY EXPERIENCING HEMMORHAGE AND NEEDED MEDICAL ATTENTION RIGHT AWAY.  
  
"I'm sorry Hanamichi, but that was the findings of your headaches and nosebleeding...."  
  
*end flashback*  
  
That was the doctor's say about my condition but I didn't listen. My mind was on Kaede. Kaede must know, Kaede needs to know, four months to go... my heart yelled. I wrote the letter expecting an answer from him. I stopped playing basketball and attending the university. The only thing that benefits me with this pain is my depression. The depression is tucked away somewhere once again and the pain I received from my disease is the only focus of my body right now.  
  
But in some nights when I really felt like scum of the earth, the night I feel like dying because of the headaches that I have and constant bleeding of my nose. The pain of being alone seeps as well and it makes it worse. The pain is so intense that I wanted to pound my head on the wall to make it stop throbbing but my body can't move because of the pain.  
  
I smiled as I remeber that night. That was the night that I really needed somebody to lean to but I have no one. I left him just like that. It's not that I really wanted to leave him, it's just... hard to be with him constantly. I know that he wouldn't be happy with me so it's better to leave him and be with somebody else rather that be a burden to him. I know Sendoh is right, I'm a burden to evrybody.  
  
I touched my forehead, feeling the pain. I need to go home befoe I colapse somewhere. i stood up and left money for the coffee I ordered. I opened the door and went out. By now, I'm seeing double. The pain is really hurting me now. I can't really see where I'm going since it was fogging slightly.  
  
"Hana!" someone said, calling my name. Right now, I think I'm hallucinating as well. I turned around to see Kaede was on the other side.  
  
"Hana! Look out, the car!"  
  
My eyes widened but it was too late... too late... All I felt was pain everywhere. I welcomed it and accepted it. I opened my eyes slightly to see Kaede starring at me with tears in his eyes.  
  
"Don't move Hana, the ambulance is coming..." he said. i smiled. I know I will not make it and what for, I'm going to die in a month anyway, so why bother.  
  
"Don't cry...." I whispered.  
  
"You're going to be alright Hana, I promise..." He tried to smile but failed.  
  
"I still love you, you know, Kaede? I really do..." I said. My hand tightened at the piece of tissue that is in my hand. I placed in his hand and smiled.  
  
May I love you 'till I die?  
May I kiss you goodnight?  
Before everything fades,  
Before everything vanishes,  
Will you dry my tears tonight?  
  
"And I love you after all these years Hana..." he cried more openly now. I smiled once again as I welcomed the nirvana that tried to engulf me. The last thing I heard was Kaede screams of my name, trying to wake me up. But I know I can't, I know it's over...  
  
wake naku hajimari wa otozure  
owari wa itsu datte wake wo motsu  
  
Beginnings come without any particular reason  
But endings always have meaning.  
- from M by Hamasaki Ayumi  
  
~OWARI~  
  
Author's notes: This fanfic is very meaningful to me because some of it is based on my own experience. Thank you for the reviews and I hope you enjoyed it.ü The poem is from yours truly. I wrote it the same time I experienced thses things that are included in the fanfics. 


End file.
